The High Cost of Being Too Nice: From Acceptance to Intimacy
The Nice Guy Mask
Do you remember the movie The Mask with Jim Carrey?
It’s the movie where he discovers a magical mask that gives him the power to become this wild and cartoonish character.
It always made me uneasy when, in the film, he would try to take off the mask, and instead of just slipping off as easily as it went on, the mask had to be pulled with force off his face as he didn’t want to be released from its carrier.
The suffocating and uncomfortable feeling of being wrapped up in a mask made me uneasy.
But sadly, that’s what it feels like to be nice all the time.
I don't know exactly when it happened, but at some point, the "nice guy" mask I wore became more than just a facade—it morphed into my go-to identity.
It's now so intricately woven into the fabric of my relationships that it's become a part of who I am. Or rather, who people think I am.
The Pain of Niceness
I wish there were a way to go back in time sometimes.
One of the most haunting regrets of this nice guy persona is the ocean of unspoken words and missed opportunities.
Conversations I should have had but avoided. Emotions I should have expressed but suppressed. All because I didn't want to introduce tension or disagreement into my relationships.
So, I stayed, harboring a hidden sense of resentment while plastering on a smiling face.
What I didn't realize then was that this constant suppression could lead to emotional turmoil and physical illness.
Suppressing parts of myself for the comfort of others meant I was sacrificing my well-being on the altar of acceptance.
“At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction. It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval and anything else I want.”
― Aziz Gazipura, Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself
The Difference Between Acceptance and Intimacy
Being nice often gets you accepted.
People find it easy to like you because you're agreeable, non-confrontational, and generally easy to get along with.
But acceptance is not intimacy.
Acceptance is shallow; it's built on the absence of friction, not the presence of genuine connection.
Intimacy is messy.
It comes with highs and lows, disagreements and reconciliations. It involves being seen, flaws and all, and being loved not in spite of them but because of them.
When you trade your authentic self for a version that is easier for people to accept, you trade intimacy for mere acceptance.
Niceness Isn’t a Virtue
Many people think being nice is the same as being good or kind.
However, being nice is a defense mechanism, a way to avoid the unknown outcomes of human interactions. By always taking the path of least resistance, you are not only doing yourself a disservice but also robbing others of the chance to know the real you.
Being nice can be a way to avoid conflict, but it can also lead to resentment and frustration.
When you are always trying to please everyone, you are not being true to yourself. You are also setting yourself up for disappointment because it is impossible to make everyone happy.
It is important to be kind and compassionate, but it is also essential to be honest and assertive.
If you are always afraid to stand up for yourself, you can never build strong relationships.
You will also miss out on opportunities to grow and learn.
It is okay to say no.
It is okay to have boundaries.
It is okay to be yourself.
To have healthy and fulfilling relationships, you must be vulnerable and authentic.
Moving Forward: How to Unmask
Breaking the pattern of putting others before yourself is a difficult task, but it is possible.
The first step is to become aware of your behavior.
Acknowledge that you have been wearing a mask for the comfort of others at the expense of your authentic self. Once you are aware of your behavior, you can start to make changes.
Start small by expressing a differing opinion respectfully, voicing your own needs in a relationship, or even allowing yourself to say no without feeling guilty.
As you make these small changes, you will become more comfortable being yourself.
Remember, the journey from acceptance to intimacy is a long one, but it is worth it.
Here are some additional tips for breaking the pattern of putting others before yourself:
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to change old habits.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes.
Focus on your own needs and wants. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes.
Surround yourself with supportive people. People who love and accept you for who you are.
Seek professional help if you need it. A therapist can help you work through the challenges of changing your behavior.
Being nice is easy. But when the price of being nice is your own well-being and the possibility of true intimacy, it's a price too steep to pay.
Take off the mask, step into your authenticity, and don't settle for acceptance when what you truly desire—and deserve—is intimacy.
