How to Break Your Addiction to Saving the World

The Weight of the World on My Shoulders

Early in our marriage, when we would go out, I would frequently ask my wife if she was "OK." 

I was overly concerned about her comfort. 

Because if she was uncomfortable, unhappy, or in any way unsatisfied, I believed it was my responsibility to fix it. 

Her happiness was my responsibility. 

I wanted to be her “white knight” or, in my case, “Black Knight,” always seeking to rescue the damsel in distress. 

The problem is the weight of her emotional world was on my shoulders. 

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the constant pressure to fix the world's problems? 

If you have, you're not alone. 

Many of us feel a deep sense of responsibility to help those around us and positively impact the world. This drive often stems from a sense of duty or moral obligation. 

Still, it can become an addiction that leaves you drained and unfulfilled. Despite your best efforts, saving everyone is impossible, and you must learn to accept your limitations.

It's crucial to remember that you can only effectively help others if you take care of yourself first.

So, the next time you feel burdened by the weight of the world, take a step back, focus on your own well-being, and remember that you don't have to be the world's savior.

I love how Viktor Frankl puts it, "In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning." 

To take off the armor of saving, rescuing, or fixing those around you can feel like suffering. But, if you can grasp the concept that you can hold space for others without saving them, it can turn from suffering to having profound meaning. 

The Trap of Hero Complex: Why We Want to Save the World

As humans, we naturally want to help others. 

It gives us a sense of purpose and fulfillment to solve problems and come to the rescue of those in need. However, this impulse can sometimes go too far when you find yourself constantly trying to fix other people's problems, even when they haven't asked for your help. 

This is what's known as the "Hero Complex."

The Hero Complex can be a form of avoidance, where you sidestep dealing with your inner turmoil by focusing on the problems of others.

Doing so makes you feel like you're progressing and being productive while ignoring your emotional needs. It can also be a way of seeking validation and approval from others, as we may feel that we're only worthy of love and respect if we can solve everyone else's problems.

While helping others can be a noble and fulfilling pursuit, it's important to remember to take care of yourself first. 

You can't truly help others if you're not in a good place emotionally and mentally.

Setting boundaries and saying no to others is OK when it’s time to focus on your well-being.

By doing so, you can avoid falling into the trap of the Hero Complex and find a healthier balance between helping others and taking care of yourself.

"Emotionally healthy people are comfortable living within the limits of their own imperfections," says Pete Scazzero.

The Cost of Wearing the Armor: Physical and Emotional Burnout

Wearing the weight of the world day in and day out takes its toll, leading to emotional exhaustion and physical issues that can be debilitating.

As I write this, I'm currently recovering from a kidney transplant.

The sad reality is that uncontrolled high blood pressure may have triggered my Chronic Kidney Disease. 

I have had high blood pressure since I was in my early twenties.

The problem with stress and anxiety is so many other physical ailments are triggered when they go unaddressed. Heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and obesity are all effects of stress. 

Many believe (myself included) that their emotional life is entirely separate from their physical body. But that is wrong.

The human being is a complex package of mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical components that are all connected. 

My whole life, I have believed that I need to be the strong one in my family. That thinking led me to think that I do not have the luxury of expressing my emotions because no one will carry me if I fall prey to my feelings. 

Little did I know that because I internalized and suppressed my emotions and thoughts, my body lugged that stress and anxiety every single day.

And over time, it wiped out my kidneys. 

Don’t be like me. 

The Illusion of Control: Understanding Our Limits

When I repeatedly asked my wife if she was OK at a dinner party, she would understandably get annoyed with me. 

She would snap back, "I'm fine," and walk away to talk to a friend. Immediately, I would feel dejected by her response. In my mind, I'm thinking, I just want to make you happy. 

But I learned I was trying to control her experience for my benefit. She was not free to be in the moment because I was constantly policing her feelings. 

No matter how noble our intentions are, the brutal truth is that we can't control everything. 

This revelation can be both humbling and freeing.

You cannot control how people feel, what they do, or how they will respond.

Removing the armor also means relinquishing the idea that you can control the outcomes of the world around you. 

Pete Scazzero has said, "The great paradox of leadership is that you are both weak and strong, both vulnerable and confident." 

You have enough agency to control yourself and to speak the truth when needed, but saving the world is not in your personal job description, no matter how much you feel the pressure or believe it. 

Taking Off the Armor: Steps Towards Healing and Self-Compassion

Addressing Past Traumas: The Hidden Fuel of Savior Behavior

Many of us who fall into the trap of wanting to "save the world" have past experiences that make this role deeply comforting or affirming, albeit exhausting. 

For example, I was trained by my dying father on how to handle household responsibilities, planting the seed that my worth was tied to my ability to 'rescue' my family.

Unearthing and addressing these traumas is critical to understanding our savior-driven impulses.

Pete Scazzero was right when he said, "The more you know about your past, the freer you are to choose the life you want." 

Detox from Rescuing: The Power of Empathetic Listening

We often think that to help someone, we must do something. 

This is only sometimes the case.

Shifting from being action-oriented to a listening-centered approach can be a form of 'detox.’

Learning to listen without offering solutions gives you emotional distance. It allows others the space they need to solve their own issues.

"Empathy is the most radical of human emotions." 

So take time to listen, but jump to fix it. 

Reconsidering Your Self-Worth: Understanding that You Are More Than Your Deeds

This step involves breaking down the mental construct that equates your value to your ability to solve problems for others. 

You must rediscover your worth outside of your 'heroic' deeds and accept that you are inherently valuable.

Do not say to yourself, "Well, I didn't really do anything." When you have sat with someone for several hours and didn't offer any advice or create a strategy to get them out of a jam. 

Your presence alone is priceless.

As a chronic fixer, you must remember you are a human being, not a human "doing." Your deeds are the outpouring of who you are, but your existence is worth more than gold. 

Like my man Common said, "The present is a gift, and I just wanna be." 

Vulnerability as Strength: The Power of Genuine Connections

I often go through bouts of loneliness. 

Much of my loneliness is rooted in my thinking that no one can help me as much as I have helped them. Let's keep it real: I believe no one cares about me as much as I have cared for them. 

By removing your armor, you make room for genuine relationships based on mutual respect and compassion, not just what you can 'fix' for them.

When you are so busy fixing and rescuing the world, you will be surrounded by those who need help. Only when you share your weaknesses and express your vulnerabilities will friends, family, or colleagues walk with you as a human, not a hero. 

If you're tired of being the strong one in all your relationships, stop acting so strong in all your relationships. 

Be honest, say you're tired, express your needs, and watch as needy people weed themselves out and real friends appear where you need them most. 

Embrace Your Humanity, Relinquish the God Complex

It's time we stop playing god and embrace our own human limitations. 

Doing so gives us the freedom to live a more authentic, fulfilling life. 

There's an old cliché among many Christians that's not biblical. Still, many of us with a hero complex can subconsciously believe, "God will never give you more than you can handle."

God may not give us more than we can handle, but WE certainly will take on more than we can handle. 

It may be time to lay down your armor to reconnect with your humanity's limitations.

Share Your Journey

Have you ever felt the weight of trying to 'save the world'? How did you handle it, and what did you learn in the process? Share your stories, and let's grow together in understanding and compassion.

"To change the world, we first have to change ourselves. To bring peace to the world, we have to find peace within ourselves." - Pete Scazzero.

By sharing our journeys, we can help others remove their armor, break the cycle of 'saving the world,' and find a more peaceful, emotionally healthy life.

Check out my mixtape On Edge, where I go deeper into this topic of emotional health and address our limitations.